Coach’s journal · Conversations & trust
A place to begin
Before advising, explore what the person is experiencing and what support they want. Stay with one answer, ask about a specific moment, and check your understanding. Then decide together whether advice, information, shared thinking or another form of support would help.
When wanting to help brings the answer forward
A familiar problem can prompt a solution before the speaker finishes. The advice may be useful, while still missing what is hardest for this particular person.
Rather than adopting a rule never to advise, ask whether they want an answer, room to think or understanding first. Their need is something you can check.
Go a little deeper into one answer
After “Collaboration is difficult,” ask which part or a recent moment that captures it. Leave time to hear the answer instead of preparing your next question.
Notice advice wearing a question mark. “Why not talk directly?” may be an instruction. “What makes talking directly difficult?” stays closer to their experience.
Notice your response while listening
A comment about your behavior may trigger explanation. Silence may make you doubt your ability to lead the conversation. You can notice this and return to what you have not understood.
The 8:2 reminder is not a speaking-time assessment. It offers a cue to listen again when your explanations have taken over.
Agree the shape of support
Check what you understood, then ask what would help. Support might mean information, a connection, joint thinking or room to try. Advice can be offered without replacing the person’s judgment.
HR can look at time and resources for listening, and the organizational conditions behind recurring concerns. Who can help turn what was heard into appropriate action?
Questions about this topic
Should a manager never advise?
Advice is not forbidden. Understand the experience and needed support first, then offer information while respecting the person’s choice.
What if the person gives short answers?
Ask once more about a specific moment or difficulty. Avoid pressure to disclose, and leave an experience they can return to.
Should we measure an 8:2 ratio?
No. Use it as a reminder to return to listening rather than timing every contribution.